The Enneagram & Parenting

As with most parenting advice you’ll come across, when using Enneagram wisdom, it’s vital to focus most of our attention and efforts inward.  Oftentimes, especially when it comes to parenting, we are desperate to feel some semblance of control.  I would venture to say that the majority (if not all) parents, if they were completely honest with themselves, would admit to having no idea what they’re doing when it comes to raising the next generation of humans.  What’s that saying? “Building the plane as you fly?” Yeah, it’s like that.  The bottom line is, we can never control our children. If we feel like we are controlling them, that’s a whole other problem.  All this to say, we can only control and work on ourselves.  Even Enneagram work starts within.  It can really only be used “on others”, so to speak, in gaining compassion, grace, and wisdom for those who see the world differently than we do.  This applies to everyone, but should especially apply to our kids.  

A Word of Caution

Some people fear that knowing their own or someone else’s Enneagram type puts them in a box, restricts who they are or how they’re seen.  There is danger of this when people stereotype, misuse, or don’t bother to deeply study the Enneagram.  It’s not a party trick.  It’s way more than a funny meme. We can have some fun with it.  However, it’s a sensitive thing to find out your number or to know someone else’s.  Because with knowledge of the number comes knowledge of the vice, the low side, the vulnerabilities.  These are truths that are difficult to face within ourselves, let alone expose them to anyone who claims to know about the Enneagram.  So, count it an honor when someone shares their number. Hold it with reverence and respect.  Don’t make assumptions, but rather use the knowledge to understand them better.  Get curious and ask questions about how they live out their type.  The Enneagram is not the end all be all of human understanding.  It’s incredibly powerful and accurate.  But everybody has their own back story, their own lived experiences, not to mention the variety of types when you factor in instinctual subtypes and varying wing strength.  

As we learn our own Enneagram numbers and do the work required for our type, this will naturally spill over into healthier, more holistic parenting.  Children need parents who are actively working on their personal development and making sense of their own story.  This is the best gift we can give to them, the first step of using the Enneagram work with our kids.  

With adults and children alike, it can be helpful to know about all 9 Enneagram personality types!  While we can’t tell anyone what their type is, we can hold a few possibilities loosely, understanding that we will never know unless that person decides to seek out their number for themselves.  In the meantime, having a few numbers in mind can give us direction when it comes to building relationships, handling conflict, or communication.  As you try various methods, you may find that certain ones seem to have more effect than others.  Perhaps you’re on the right path as to what the other person’s number is.  And maybe you aren’t!  But when we’re building relationships, especially with our children, we’re looking for signs that they feel, seen, heard, understood, respected, valued, wanted and loved.  Anything that gets you those results is worth repeating, regardless of Enneagram type.

Learning all 9 types might feel a bit overwhelming.  But here is some basic information that can help give direction in identifying possible motivations in your children’s behaviors.  My personal opinion is not to start too young. Children are all learning and developing at a rapid rate, especially when they’re young.  At any age, you could have 9 people doing the same thing for 9 different reasons.  Depending on the maturity of your child, which you will know best, I’d say you can start having more of an awareness of behavior and communication patterns that give hints to their personality in upper elementary/middle school years.  Again, any guesses you have, hold them loosely and also keep in mind other factors that can affect behavior like mental health diagnosis and life circumstances.  

Centers of Intelligence

When looking at the Enneagram symbol, it can be divided into 3 centers of Intelligence.  

8,9,1 make up the Gut or Body Center.  These numbers share the core emotion of anger, though they all handle it differently.  These numbers have a focus on order, structure, power, and control.   They seek autonomy each in their own way.  They take in the world through their gut instinct with an orientation to the present moment.  

2,3,4 make up the Heart or Feeling Center.  These numbers share the core emotion of shame or sadness.  They focus on identity and image.  They seek attention in their own way.  They take in the world through their emotions with an orientation to the past.

5,6,7 make up the Head or Thinking Center. These numbers share the core emotion of fear.  They focus on gaining guidance and support.  They seek safety and security each in their own way.  They take in the world through their mental analysis with an orientation to the future.   

The 9 Enneagram Types

Here’s a very brief overview of what’s important to each type, the driving motivations of their thoughts and behaviors.

1s long to be good, to do the right thing, and have an inner critic that constantly points out things that are wrong or could be improved upon.  Following the rules is very important to them.  They fear being bad, wrong, inaccurate, or getting into trouble.  

2s desire to feel wanted and loved. They seek these feelings out by building lots of connections with people, trying to be someone that everyone can depend on.  Friendly, personable, and charming, type 2s do whatever they can to avoid rejection.  

3s look at being successful and admired as the ultimate goal.  They are typically high achievers and the best at what they do.  They easily read the room and can adapt to whatever the expectations of the group are.  They fear failure because to them, their success defines their worth.

4s have a rich inner world.  They experience a depth of emotion and this can be overwhelming.  They feel that there is something about them that makes them an outsider.  They want to know that they are understood and that they have significance in the world, especially to those closest to them.  

5s prefer to rely on themselves to meet their own needs.  This works with their natural ability to take in a lot of information.  They’re innovative thinkers and compartmentalize their world.  They have limited energy and keep tabs on how much they have throughout the day.  

6s function with a lot of fear and this drives them to form support systems outside of themselves.  Though they have an ability to think through various scenarios and plan for them, they have trouble trusting themselves.  There’s a push pull with 6s as they look to follow a trustworthy group or authority but also like to question and test relationships.  

7s are persistent in searching for a feeling of satisfaction.  But they perpetually believe it’s around the corner.  Their minds are always on the move to the next experience that might provide contentment.  7s are skilled at finding the silver lining by positive reframing.  Some of their forward moving energy is also an effort to avoid facing any painful or difficult emotions.  

8s present an image that is strong, invulnerable, and powerful.  Underneath the ironclad exterior is a tender heart that longs to protect itself and oftentimes others.  They don’t like admitting to weaknesses or vulnerabilities and they do not want to be controlled.  8s don’t have trouble moving into spaces of conflict or going after justices.  

9s are always focused on a feeling of peace, both inside and out.  They have the gift of truly being able to see all sides of a situation which can be a gift but also contributes to their avoidance of taking part in conflict.  They would rather disconnect from their own inner world than acknowledge anything that rocks the boat.  This means that for the most part they are easygoing, but every once in a while, the emotions erupt.

Important Reminder

1) Do not tell anyone, including your children, what you think their number is.

2)  Do not use the Enneagram to excuse your own bad behaviors.  Use it for personal growth.

3)  Do not use the Enneagram as a weapon against someone, assuming their motivations or putting them in a box.  Use it to grow compassion for others’ perspectives and experiences.    

I Could Never…

A couple of nights ago, I got a last minute invitation to join a group of ladies for an aerial yoga class. I personally knew half of the ladies going, and the rest I had either briefly met once or hadn’t met at all. And aerial yoga? I had never done that. My first thought was, “What are the boys’ Lacrosse schedules for tomorrow?” I immediately checked to see that my husband would be home to handle the various drop offs and pickups. When that was confirmed, I went online and reserved my spot in the class.

The next day, I got myself a new cute set of leggings and a sports top. This would be my first group exercise since pre-pandemic. I was pumped for a girls’ night out. And honestly, aerial yoga was a fringe bucket list item for me. It’s something that looked like fun but I’m not sure how hard I would have ever worked to make it happen.

My husband got home in time for us to chat for a few minutes before he left for the first lacrosse drop off. He asked about the plans for my evening and then he said, “Is it weird to think that two years ago, you never would have done this?” I paused to consider this question. He was completely right. Two years ago I was pretty freshly into my study of the Enneagram. I was slowly and steadily becoming undone as my eyes were opened to how the innate belief of the type 4, that I didn’t belong, had kept me living on the defensive and operating out of the fear that I was in constant danger of my tragic flaw being exposed. My introduction to the Enneagram came at the perfect time in my life. I was so tired of my inner dialogue, living in fear, and not doing so many things that deep down I knew I really wanted to do. I wanted to be free of the limitations that I put on myself.

So two years ago, or at any other point in my life before then, I most likely would not have considered going to that class, especially with people I didn’t know. I would have had an inner panic at the invitation, immediately trying to figure out a reasonable excuse not to go, while making sure that that wouldn’t cause me to look too odd. And another unidentified current of turmoil would be that I would really like to go, but the assumption that attempting such a class would only make me vulnerable to my deepest fear being confirmed would almost immediately override the desire. All my life I had told myself, I’m not athletic. I’m not strong. I’m not the thinnest or prettiest. I’m awkward. I’m too quiet. But if I speak, I’ll say something really stupid. I carried the burden of somehow always being on the outside. Anything I did say or do had to be perfected in private first. This left little room for spontaneity or organic conversation with others. It instead left me in a constant state of fear of judgment, criticism, and rejection. It’s no wonder that by the time I turned 35, and I had more time to face my internal world, I came to a breaking point. Something had to change.

The Enneagram revealed all the falsities of my beliefs about myself. A weight was lifted. A time of mourning occured for all the time spent living in my own deceit and the relationships and experiences this had prevented. And then the monumental task of practicing new thought patterns began. Some days, I couldn’t imagine a time where positive and kind inner dialogue would feel natural. For a time, I made lists of affirmations and mantras on my phone and referenced them frequently. Little by little, I needed the list less. Over time, the old beliefs were quieted and a more free and authentic Kate surfaced.

I had lost track of my own growth to the point of not even recognizing the great shift in my reaction to this invitation. It took someone else to point it out to me. An excuse for the class would have been easy to come up with. I could clearly envision what I would have felt and acted like a couple years ago. Even if I had decided to be brave and go, I would have spent the entire class feeling self-conscious and embarrassed. I may have gone home and cried for the way I looked compared to everyone else, for all the poses that I was too afraid to try or the ones I attempted and failed. I would have been silent as our group went out for dinner and drinks after class, too afraid to say something “stupid” in front of people I didn’t know.

And you know what? Last night, there were poses that were hard. And there were at least 3 demonstrated at the end that I immediately said “NOPE!” to. Instead I spent the time perfecting the poses that I wanted to. My friend and I took pictures of each other while others wrapped and twisted and laughed themselves into more advanced poses. And it was ok! I felt at peace and had lots of fun. I got to check that off the bucket list. Dinner afterwards was lighthearted and fun. Whether I’m quiet or conversational, I know that I belong. I bring my own unique story to the table, literally and figuratively. And at the end of the day, I am no more or less flawed than anyone else. Not living on the defensive anymore, I have a sense of groundedness and a freedom to connect with others. The process to get to this point was a slow one, and it wasn’t linear. I’m so grateful to have worked through it though.

I share this to encourage anyone else who might feel at the end of themselves, or discouraged on the journey, to keep looking inward. Kindly, and with curiosity, examine what’s driving you? What do you believe about yourself? What do you fear? Who do you want to be? Learning about your personality through the lens of the Enneagram can help bring clarity to all of these questions and reveal your path to security, freedom and connectedness. It’s never too late, and it will always be worth it.

Three Gifts

I’ve always loved personality tests. I love anything that gives me insight into myself and others. I’ve taken a lot of tests over the years, some more serious than others ( I will never pass up an opportunity to know what Disney princess I am.). While I always liked tucking away the data that varying tests gave me about myself, there was never anything that really gave any type of new or active information. That is, until I started reading about the Enneagram. I thought the Enneagram would be like any other personality test. You take a quiz, get your results and have fun seeing how accurate they were. It didn’t take long to see that this was different.

The Enneagram is not a stagnant test. The information we glean about the 9 basic personality types it addresses is meant to assist in a transformational journey. When I discovered my Enneagram number, it gave language to my inner world. I had the words to articulate things that I had always felt or believed to be true. I had been living my life with a certain set of beliefs that influenced how I thought, felt, behaved, and functioned in relationships. The question of whether all of this was true or not presented itself. I now had a tool to with which to sort out false beliefs from truth, discern my shadow side and see what resided there. In turn, I had clarity to see what my gifts were, and where I was holding back from sharing them with others. I had direction in examining what beliefs and behaviors were stunting my relational growth. I’ve come to find there are three beautiful gifts that using the Enneagram as a tool helps us with.

The first gift of the Enneagram is that it allows us to challenge ourselves in areas we need to improve on. For me as a type 4, that meant learning how to catch the narratives that I would often start writing in my head about people or situations. 4s have a propensity for dwelling on memories and the past. When the narratives and memories collide, it meant I could be creating scenarios that were inaccurate but felt very true to me. This is very problematic when it comes to relationships. It also meant that I was not actively living in the present. Another area of improvement for me was working on my self-talk. Type 4s exist with the innate belief that something is lacking in them and this lacking means that they never quite belong. All my inner dialogue stemmed from this belief. My gifts and talents existed in my shadow. So I had to work on acknowledging these and calling them into the light. Step by step, I had to allow myself to be vulnerable and rely on the truth that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God declares me good and says that I belong, so therefore, I do! Every number has the challenge of bringing their gifts to the surface and using them from from a place of security and not defensiveness. Every number has goal they chase after believing it will bring satisfaction, but it never will. Every personality type has a clear growth path laid out that they can work towards.

The second gift of the Enneagram is that is allows us to meet others where they are. Even without knowing someone else’s Enneagram number, the awareness that there are 9 different basic lenses with which people view the world in enough to let go of expectations that people will always relate to or understand each other well. It gives room for grace and compassion knowing that every person wrestles with a vice, even if it is different from ours. If someone does know their Enneagram number and shares it, how much more intentional we can be to meet them in their space! It’s so important in Enneagram work to learn about all the numbers. We are each directly connected to 4 numbers via wings or line so it’s personally beneficial . But if we can also learn about others’ numbers we can better understand each other!

This leads me right into my next point. The third gift of the Enneagram is that helps us know how to encourage and acknowledge growth in ourselves and others. My husband is a Type 2. 2s are the most relationally focused number on the Enneagram. They walk into a room and pick up on all the emotions everyone else is putting out. They are intuitive about what people need and love to meet those needs. This is their big gift but also their vice if living unconsciously. They are so in tune with others, that they are not naturally aware of what their own wants or needs are. So for my husband, one way I can tell if he’s in a place of (or working towards) growth and security, is when there is a balance of meeting his own needs as well as others. When he takes time to consider what he wants or honestly names how he is feeling, I can speak encouragement and praise into that. Self care and time alone is very important for him and not easy for him to do. I can speak up if I see he might need it. Or if he does take time for himself, I also know not to resent it because that was a difficult place for him to get to mentally! On the other hand, I am a type 4. I have no problem knowing what’s going on internally. My own feelings and desires are my comfort zone. I can get lost here! Growth for me looks the opposite of my husband in many ways. I have to remember to look outside of myself more often, and not to compare, finding myself lacking. I need to cultivate relationships with other people, learning to be aware of their wants and needs, taking some attention off of myself. 4s tend to withdraw. I constantly have to remind myself to engage more. My husband knows this, and encourages me be present and connect with others! Imagine knowing and having just a little bit of understanding of each of the numbers and what growth looks like for them. We will be so much more aware of victories, big and small and be able to speak specifically into others’ lives.

Enneagram knowledge should never be used in accusations as a weapon or as an excuse for bad behavior. However, we will never know where we are heading if we don’t know our starting point. And the beauty of the Enneagram is that it gives direction for growth, never intending us to stay where we are. Rather, we can embrace our natural wiring, be aware of our vices, by the grace of God move toward our virtues, and live a more authentic and connected life.

Enneagram Journey to Easter: 6 Week Reflections from the Gospel of John

What is this book? This book is designed to guide you through a time of meditation during the six weeks leading up to Easter. We’ve chosen six stories from the Gospel of John to help you prepare your heart to celebrate the day Jesus conquered darkness and death. Each week we will introduce the Bible passage followed by a brief contemplation. There will also be a suggested, structured time of prayer as well as reflective questions and journal prompts to complete throughout the week at your leisure. 

What is the Enneagram? If you’re unfamiliar with the enneagram, it might be in your best interest to check out my website: www.againstthearrow.com.The Enneagram is a personality tool used to help uncover a person’s deepest desires and motivations. Broken up into 9 types, each type focuses on different behaviors, fears, tendencies, defense mechanisms, strengths and weaknesses. Even if you’re unfamiliar with the enneagram, we invite you to join us on this reflective walk through Jesus’ life. You may discover certain reflective questions resonate with you more than others. 

What does Against the Arrow mean?  On the Enneagram symbol, each number that represents a personality type has an arrow flowing from it to another number and an arrow flowing into it from another number.  The growth path for each person begins when moving against the arrow flowing into their number and integrating healthy aspects of the number at the other end.  Growth takes intention, curiosity, and effort but the results are a more authentic, fulfilling, and connected life.    

What does the Enneagram have to do with Easter? The Enneagram is an excellent tool for uncovering your authentic self. However, true transformation comes from encountering  Jesus. Using the enneagram as a tool for personalized reflection, each week points you towards an encounter with the One who loves you to your core. We hope this book helps you prepare your heart for Easter as well as a deeper understanding of who you are in Christ and His kingdom.

Easter reminds us that in Jesus, we have victory over darkness. Pause and take some time these next six weeks to reflect on “the Life that brought Light to everything” (John 1:4).